I am Ebb and Flow


I have lived in a strong, beautiful, healthy body that has been photographed, studied, drawn, sculpted and appreciated. It has made art, made love, made excellent grades, danced in front of thousands of people, sang in front of thousands of people, directed thousands of people, walked, hiked, skied, run, biked, taught, traveled, and explored. It has felt light, easy, ecstatic, blissful and free.

I have also lived in a body that has suffered extraordinarily. It has been paralyzed. It has seized, cramped, jerked, spasmed, and moved on its own. It has been exhausted from barely moving. It has felt ugly, been overweight, been underweight, been broken, been crooked, been locked, been weak, and been in tremendous long lasting pain.

I have lived long stretches of time where everything fell into place, where I felt fully supported by the universe, where I felt like I could write a book about how to be happy. I have been madly in love, had money flow my way easily, worked in a career that felt fully in alignment with my soul purpose, and had an abundance of friends who loved me deeply and irrevocably.

I have been mistreated, lied to, manipulated, stolen from, treated like a piece of trash, left on the floor begging for help, and been abandoned by people who I loved and trusted. I have lost every last friend, left entirely alone with the beating of my heart. I have felt relief from thoughts of being buried in the ground, a freedom that I felt only death could bring. I have felt that all hope has been lost, that every speck of human decency has evaporated, and that God is no where to be seen.

In the spectrum of human experience, I have lived in every crevice. I can empathize because I know your ache. I have depth because I have crawled inside the pit of a deep dark well of human suffering. I know your triumph because I have climbed out, inch by inch, with tenacity and fortitude and luck and grace.

These experiences are all blessings, rich with meaning and substance. The ones that are difficult enrich my life as much as the moments of clarity and freedom. There are moments when I feel real sincere gratitude for the ways that I have suffered. And moments when I long for an unreachable freedom so ferociously that only violent guttural sobs feel appropriate.

I am ebb and flow, open and closed, dawn and dusk and I am being compressed into a diamond.

Categories: Writing

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